GRANDMA FOR SALE !

 Did you see the story of the 10-year-old English girl who put her moaning grandmother up for sale on E-Bay? This does not bode well for the rest of us grandmothers.

I, for one, rarely moan--at least under ordinary circumstances. Which may or may not keep me in good graces with my 5 granddaughters. As far as I know, none of them have attempted to put me up for sale. Yet.

According to Research America, by 2030 it's estimated that one-quarter of the U.S. population will be over sixty-five. That's a lot of grandmothers! But they won't be like the grandmothers my generation remembers.

Even today's grandparents are very unlike the grandparents of the past. You won't see many grandmothers today sporting blue hair and wearing black orthopedic shoes, totally unable to breathe in their heavily boned girdles. No, the glam Grands of today have traded up to Spanx, sneakers, and jeans. (Blue and pink streaks replacing the blue hair wash of yesterday.)

My particular generation was born before the boomers and is known as the silent generation. Better late than never, however, the Silent Generation has found its voice just in time to shout the warning -- "You are not as old as you think!"

Seventy is the new fifty.

Just when you thought it was safe to sleep until noon and do nothing more strenuous than uncork the wine bottle, a new breed of medical and social specialists comes along to burst the bubble.

Grandmothers across the country are encouraged to lather themselves in anti-aging creams, color their hair, and urged never, never to miss a day at the gym.

We live in a new era of aging...the land of Lisinopril, Simvastatin, Hydrocodone, Levothyroxine, and Amoxicillin, the top five prescription drugs as listed by AARP. Our daily plastic pill containers hold a rainbow of medications designed to keep our blood pressure, cholesterol, and any pain or infections in check. We are fortunate to have these medicines -- as well as the containers which help remind us to take them. And should we grow bored with Bingo and Skudo there are supplements to boost our flagging memory. Which may or may not work.

There is speculation that in the not-too-distant future, over 3 million Americans will reach the age of one hundred. When we reach that point, great-great-grandparents are sure to abound. And I'd wager more than a few of them will be moaning. Still, moaning or not, I suspect that grandmothers will always be treasured members of most families; treasured for their wisdom, wit, and unconditional love.

Did I mention that the grandma up for sale on E-Bay received twenty-seven bids before the bidding was shut down? Apparently, it's illegal to sell grandmothers.

Thank goodness.

TO LIVE INDEPENDENTLY OR NOT

    "Remember Mom, there's a room for you in the basement when you're ready."  This loving, well-meaning offer was delivered to Diane Keaton by one of her screen daughters in the 2018 motion picture comedy "The Book Club."

"Mom" was appalled. She and the other book club members had just discovered a new reason for living after reading, "50 Shades of Gray." Initially shocked by what they'd read, the book led the women to rediscover the joys of intimacy. They then decided to live each day to the fullest. They were certainly not ready to be consigned to the dungeon, er, basement room.

Does living in the basement apartment of your child's home or in an adjacent casita mean giving up independence? I don't think that's a given. Especially if you've developed strong family ties. (I really love my family! We enjoy each other's company.) So, I believe we can live together in harmony and still lead separate lives. If I fall down and can't get up (folks in their 80's fear falls most of all) I'll feel better knowing if I'm loud enough someone in the family will hear me and come to my rescue. I'll live in my own space a few feet away from the main home, until I cannot. Until the car keys have been taken away and I might have to depend on a ride to the grocery store or the doctor's or to my Tai Chi session. Cultures the world over have been enjoying this type of symbiotic relationship for centuries. Generations living together in peace seems close to perfect. 

No matter what our age, none of us want to give up our independence. Not ever! At least not too soon. 

We've heard it for years...age is just a number. Nonetheless, we are still influenced by whatever number we've reached in our aging process. Our children face the same dilemma - stereotype thinking. Thirty years ago aging was rapid and death came early. Not so now. We are aging slower and living longer, which means many of us do not have to relinquish our independence as early as we might have just a few years ago. Anyone of any age group can be independent as long as they are fully functioning. But your age group could tip you into a dangerous stereotype mindset. "I can't do that! For goodness sake, I'm 65 years old now! I'm pre-old!" 

Depending on your health and state of mind, age groups may overlap. You qualify as pre-old if you're in the age range from 65-74. From 70 to 79 you're middle-old and when you reach 80 and plus, well, you're very old. Like me.

Very few of us can remain totally independent in our later years but fortunately,   there are options.

Senior independent communities are popular. You buy a house or apartment and live independently and when it's time you automatically move into assisted living. From there if it's appropriate you move to a nursing home. This situation is ideal for folks who insist on living independently or have no relatives or friends in a position to help. No worries about the future as it's more or less determined the minute you sign on. These communities can be expensive and there are no refunds.

Aging at home with safety measures and new technology in place is a favorite option. Although in time it may limit social interaction and incur home health care costs. The average price for living at home is $2,545 a month.

Sometimes assisted living arrangements may be the first step and those range from $3,000 a month and up.

According to the American Council on Aging in 2022 the average price of a nursing home was $8,000 a month for a semi-private room and upwards of $9,000 for a private room. You can check out nursing home costs by state and types of care at www.seniorliving.org. 

When researching this blog I discovered "The Book Club" sequel, "The Next Chapter" will be released on Mothers' Day 2023. Same cast, same director and hopefully the same fun!

(My usual research sources include the National Council on Aging, Department of Veterans Affairs, the Senior Resources Alliance, the Senior Resources Association and Senior Living.org)

A GRAND COUGAR!

 My grandchildren call me Gigi, a sweet common grandmotherly name. But I may be a tad uncommon and though it's slightly mortifying to admit this...I possibly may be a Grand-Cougar in the making. We all know the definition of the stereotype cougar as an older woman - typically in her forties (and plus) - who seek intimate relationships with much younger men. Whether Alpha Cougars or Sweet, they are on the hunt. Or, the alternate definition of cougar - being a large, tawny-brown scary cat.

I had no idea there was such a thing as a Grand-Cougar until watching a network morning news show recently. Grand-Cougars are older than the everyday cougar. They are grandmothers and great-grandmothers, life-experienced, wise, oh-so-wise women.

Grand-Cougars "appreciate" younger male celebrities, sports figures in uniform, and other fine-looking men they might spot at the grocery store. Unfortunately, they do most of their admiring from afar and keep their reporting of such awesome sightings to other Grand-Cougars. It's a secret society, if you will, in order not to embarrass their children and grandchildren. 

Because I have been married 3 times and involved in two serious relationships, I do not trust my judgement when it comes to knowing a good man when I see one. (Well, in all honesty, I did enjoy one successful marriage out of three.) Let's just say I've taken a room in the heartbreak hotel several times. For me, it's safer by far to admire men from a distance. Which even at my age I can do. I'm not dead yet.

However, I am over eighty years old which means the available men in my age group are rare - or in hiding. And while I'm more interested in companionship than marriage, I have no choice but to look for a younger man. How to accomplish this bold mission? With hutzpa!

How is a little fib about age going to hurt anyone? Who is going to count wrinkles? Kick a stick out from under us? Demand a birth certificate?

We'll do a makeover specially designed for seventy-five year old plus women. We'll apply the model make-up, eyeliner, eye shadow, mascara, blush and bronzer. We'll add a bit of glitter to the look and purchase a few flattering outfits in our best color...at this stage in life we DO know our best color. Right?

We must have more seductive weapons than just our old twenty-year-old figure. (The curves and flat tummy were all we needed then, but this is now and chances are we haven't had those since shag carpet was in style - for the first time!)

A bit of research will tell us where the under eighty widowers and long-time, unrelenting bachelors hang out. And we will be there to start a conversation. We will demonstrate a fabulous sense of humor and flaunt our knowledge of current events. We will read all the best sellers and know by a quick taste test which is fine wine and which will rot your gut.

In other words, I'm thinking successful seduction at an advanced age means offering three absolutes...initiating a lively conversation, (or delivering an awesome pick-up line) looking your best, and exuding confidence.

It's never too late to find companionship and what could be more fun than being a Grand-Cougar?