My grandchildren call me Gigi, a sweet common grandmotherly name. But I may be a tad uncommon and though it's slightly mortifying to admit this...I possibly may be a Grand-Cougar in the making. We all know the definition of the stereotype cougar as an older woman - typically in her forties (and plus) - who seek intimate relationships with much younger men. Whether Alpha Cougars or Sweet, they are on the hunt. Or, the alternate definition of cougar - being a large, tawny-brown scary cat.
I had no idea there was such a thing as a Grand-Cougar until watching a network morning news show recently. Grand-Cougars are older than the everyday cougar. They are grandmothers and great-grandmothers, life-experienced, wise, oh-so-wise women.
Grand-Cougars "appreciate" younger male celebrities, sports figures in uniform, and other fine-looking men they might spot at the grocery store. Unfortunately, they do most of their admiring from afar and keep their reporting of such awesome sightings to other Grand-Cougars. It's a secret society, if you will, in order not to embarrass their children and grandchildren.
Because I have been married 3 times and involved in two serious relationships, I do not trust my judgement when it comes to knowing a good man when I see one. (Well, in all honesty, I did enjoy one successful marriage out of three.) Let's just say I've taken a room in the heartbreak hotel several times. For me, it's safer by far to admire men from a distance. Which even at my age I can do. I'm not dead yet.
However, I am over eighty years old which means the available men in my age group are rare - or in hiding. And while I'm more interested in companionship than marriage, I have no choice but to look for a younger man. How to accomplish this bold mission? With hutzpa!
How is a little fib about age going to hurt anyone? Who is going to count wrinkles? Kick a stick out from under us? Demand a birth certificate?
We'll do a makeover specially designed for seventy-five year old plus women. We'll apply the model make-up, eyeliner, eye shadow, mascara, blush and bronzer. We'll add a bit of glitter to the look and purchase a few flattering outfits in our best color...at this stage in life we DO know our best color. Right?
We must have more seductive weapons than just our old twenty-year-old figure. (The curves and flat tummy were all we needed then, but this is now and chances are we haven't had those since shag carpet was in style - for the first time!)
A bit of research will tell us where the under eighty widowers and long-time, unrelenting bachelors hang out. And we will be there to start a conversation. We will demonstrate a fabulous sense of humor and flaunt our knowledge of current events. We will read all the best sellers and know by a quick taste test which is fine wine and which will rot your gut.
In other words, I'm thinking successful seduction at an advanced age means offering three absolutes...initiating a lively conversation, (or delivering an awesome pick-up line) looking your best, and exuding confidence.
It's never too late to find companionship and what could be more fun than being a Grand-Cougar?
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